


Never Again

by Astronaut_Milky



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Heartache, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Smut, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 17:45:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13323255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astronaut_Milky/pseuds/Astronaut_Milky
Summary: Hope.He hasn't had hope in a long time.But now it's flashing in front of his eyes, fuelling the rapid beating of his heart, and as he considers the possibilities of what might happen, the tiniest of smiles graces his lips.





	Never Again

**Author's Note:**

> UM HI OKAY ALTERNATE TITLE: trashy fic of angst
> 
> I've had this idea ever since I rewatched How I Met Your Mother, some of you may recognise the plot a little.
> 
> This was written in maybe 45 minutes? Consider it to be PURE ANGST
> 
> tobeconspicuous, thanks for giving it a once over and for claiming I wound you. It's true.
> 
> Kudos/comments are always appreciated!

Rafael taps his foot, over and over again. He waits. The seconds ticking by feel like hours, and he can't think of any other point in his life where time was so important. He checks his watch. Only a few more minutes. He sips his scotch, purely to have something to do.

 

**+++**

 

Their relationship started so strong, so beautifully. It had been a whirlwind of fleeting looks, mind-blowing sex, lazy Sunday mornings, and hidden kisses on elevators.

 

When he woke up one cool Sunday morning to sunlight hitting his eyes, he felt a question burning. Something he had been hoping to ask for a long time.

 

He rolled over to rake his eyes over Sonny's lanky, pale form, somehow gangly and graceful all at once. The pale chest marked with Rafael's desire, the long arms that held him impossibly close, the perfect pink lips that kissed warmly and moaned softly. Sonny Carisi was absolutely stunning. A warm affection spread through his chest, and although it was too soon and too much, the only label he could find for it was love.

 

“Sonny,” he murmured, feeling a smile creep in as the younger man’s eyes fluttered open, the grip of sleep fighting to keep them shut.

 

“Raf, you're awake early,” Sonny croaked, shuffling over to nuzzle up close to Rafael, his nose brushing against his neck as he clung onto Rafael's waist.

 

They spent a few moments laying there, Rafael drawing the softest circles across Sonny's shoulders.

 

He turned his head slightly, letting his lips brush over Sonny's loose curls. “You know I think there's a new café that has opened nearby. I thought maybe we could go try it out this morning, if you'd like?”

 

Instantly Sonny tensed. Not so much that it was obvious, but enough that Rafael picked up on it.

 

“I'd rather spend the morning in bed,” he whispered, kissing Rafael's neck gently. He felt the slight flick of Sonny's tongue over his earlobe, sending a shiver down his spine, through his body. Any questions he had went out the window as Sonny rolled on top of him, crowding over him, completing him.

 

**+++**

 

Rafael checks his watch again, and when he sees only thirty seconds have passed, he groans out loud. He's now tapping his thumb against his glass, the smallest release of the vibrating energy pulsing through his body.

 

Hope.

 

He hasn't had hope in a long time.

 

But now it's flashing in front of his eyes, fuelling the rapid beating of his heart, and as he considers the possibilities of what might happen, the tiniest of smiles graces his lips.

 

**+++**

 

No matter how often they fought, if there was one thing that Sonny and Rafael could do well, it was have sex.

 

At first it had been overwhelmingly tender, soft caresses and whispered devotions. Over time though, it seemed their issues and arguments seeped into the bedroom, and while Rafael still loved the feeling of Sonny filling him entirely, he missed the gentle touches that used to burn electric hours after climaxing.

 

But those damn arguments.

 

They had taken over their relationship. Rafael just wanted to be with Sonny, in every way. He didn't want to be some hidden darkness locked away in Sonny's bedroom. He wanted to walk down the street with Sonny on his arm, proud and free.

 

Sonny wasn't ready. Sonny wasn't sure if he would ever be ready. He wanted Rafael, but he seemed to not be able to give all of himself over to him, at least not in the way Rafael desperately needed.

 

“Sonny, it's just one lunch-”

 

“Yeah, a block from the courthouse! What will happen if someone sees us?” Sonny's eyes were wild, terrified, and although Rafael knew it wasn't because of him specifically, he was sure it would almost hurt less if it was.

 

“God forbid we have to tell someone,” Rafael muttered, not even trying to keep the bitterness from his voice. And it cut Sonny, judging by the frustrated groan that came from the younger man.

 

“How many times do we have to have the _same argument_?!”

 

The words slapped Rafael across the face, burning and stinging.

 

How many times indeed.

 

Months and months of the same fight, the same pain, and for what? No change?

 

When he told Sonny the next morning that they were over, the younger man didn't seem surprised. Rather, almost relieved.

 

And _god,_ that hurt the most.

 

**+++**

 

It’s nearly nine o'clock. Nearly the time where everything will change.

 

They agreed to meet at nine. They agreed to take the time to actually discuss their future. They agreed that their last attempt had been the absolute worst timing, that they had been insufferable and stubborn.

 

They agreed there was a possibility. That perhaps, if they both allowed it, they could make it work this time.

 

Rafael _really_ wants it to work this time. Although every part of him is screaming that he shouldn't, that he's setting himself up for more pain and heartbreak, his soul is positive that everything is about to change for the better.

 

Familiar voices drift closer. He takes a deep breath, and turns around.

 

And everything freezes.

 

**+++**

 

Rafael had been hesitant about letting Sonny into his apartment. It had been months since they had really been in the same room together, alone.

 

“So you've got a girlfriend.” The words weren't what he had been planning to say, but they slipped out all the same.

 

“It's been a few dates, nothing official.”

 

Silence and scotch, a regular night for Rafael, now filled with unspeakable tension and questions, all because of Sonny Carisi, sitting on his couch.

 

He wasn't sure exactly who had leaned in first, who had first ripped clothes off the other, who had led the way to his bedroom. All he knew was, he had missed Sonny's fingers inside him, he had missed Sonny entering him and filling him, and he had missed the gentle touches and loving gaze. He had missed being intertwined with Sonny, connected physically to express what couldn't be spoken.

 

Familiar sunlight gently woke him, a familiar arm resting across his hips.

 

His heart pounded.

 

Sonny's eyes opened, and widened, and he way up quickly.

 

“Oh my god, what time is it?”

 

Rafael checked his watch on the nightstand. “Early enough I shouldn't be awake. Late enough that you should already be at work.”

 

Sonny avoided eye contact has he searched for his clothes. All Rafael could do was watch on, deciphering the man before him.

 

When Sonny was fully clothed, he stepped towards the bedroom door, and Rafael had half a mind to beg him to speak, or stay, or _something._ But Sonny turned. Sonny turned around and asked something that Rafael hadn't been expecting.

 

“Is… is this something you want?”

 

Rafael's heart floated, hopeful and happy. “If you would have me, yes.”

 

“So what do we do now?”

 

Rafael sighed, more of a huff of relief than anything.

 

“Tonight. Forlini's. We talk, really talk. And we see where this goes.”

 

With a ghost of a smile, and shining blue eyes, Sonny left.

 

For the first time in months, Rafael felt ready to be open once again.

 

**+++**

 

The lump in his throat is sickening.

 

The squad have all shown up, though a text from Liv has warned him of this.

 

That's not why he feels sick. That's not why he feels a burning heat claw its way up his neck. That's not why an icy wave is washing through his veins, holding him in place. That's not why he wants to openly weep in front of strangers, or punch a wall, or catch the next flight out of the country and never return. No, that's not why.

 

Time is frozen, or so it seems. He's not seeing anything, hearing anything. His eyes have hyper-focused onto one figure. Well, two figures.

 

Sonny is the last squad member to come into the bar, but he isn't alone. A beautiful brunette is holding his hand, comfortably whispering into his ear, and Rafael is breaking and cracking open at the sight.

 

Nothing is preparing him for Sonny to look across the bar. His blue eyes are apologetic and filled with sorrow, but there is the shame that Rafael now recognises and fears.

 

Everything is frozen.

 

Sonny shakes his head.

 

_No._

 

Of course it had been a no. It would always be a no.

 

Rafael slips out into the night, unseen by his co-workers.

  
Tears silently stream down his face, as he promises himself, _begs_ himself, to never ever fall for blue eyes and dimples ever again. To never fall for Sonny Carisi ever again.


End file.
